Packing; My Preferred Protagonists

Tonight I am sorting my belongings in preparation of my upcoming move to a seminary. In particular, I'm sorting my books into three piles: seminary, goodwill/garbage, and storage. I realize I have a lot of books. In a notebook I almost tossed into the garbage pile I came across something I wrote back on June 22nd, 2003. It's a random ramble about my preferences in literature, particularly my preferred protagonists. It was written at a time when I was searching for meaning in life and not finding it. For fun and retrospection, here it is:

I'm an adult now. And so far, I'm disappointed. Why? Possibly the current state is the direct result of my father's alcoholism years ago. In any case, how do I fix this - the single biggest problem I've ever faced?

Movement comes to mind. Try life in another city, I think. Cross the country on bicycle, perhaps ... sort things out. Camp out, away from it all.

This reaction seems to come natural to a certain breed of people. Thoreau, Muir, and London for example.

Recently I picked up a copy of "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer. In this book, he tells the true tale of Chris McCandless, a man about my age, fresh out of college and inspired by those famous authors, who disappeared. He hitchhiked and rode the rails, all the way to Alaska. There, he planned to live off the land. His body was eventually found. Odd . . . as I read the book, I envied McCandless and understood his ideals. I was almost a believer, even though I knew he didn't survive.

But then, I've long been a believer of these ideals. A self-sufficient man in nature has been my protagonist of choice for a decade or more.

In elementary school, I read "My Side of the Mountain" and was enthralled. Soon, "The Iceberg Hermit," and "Banner in the Sky" held my attention. The main characters in these books were hardy individuals who left mainstream society (by choice or chance) and discovered themselves. They were successful, in at least some sense of the word. I envied them.

Later, I enjoyed Jack London's tales. Not all of his protagonists survived. Life in the Cold North wasn't pretty, but it was noble and with meaning.

After walking home from high school years ago, I would sometimes contemplate what would happen if I just kept walking ... past the end of the street and into the snow-covered field and beyond. Adventure? Meaning? In the frigid North Dakota landscape, I was wise to head home. But my wanderlust was unrelenting.

These days, out of college, my protagonists are dealing with or enduring their troubles rather than hoping for a brighter future or a more noble existence. Case in point, Max Cohen of the independent film "Pi." Alone, devoted to a cause few understand, hiding from the humanity surrounding him. And Lester Burnham of "American Beauty" realizes his life is meaningless and troubled. He acts to change it, but everything unravels in the process. Schmidt, of "About Schmidt," doesn't have purpose in his life any longer. He worked hard for decades and now is adrift, alone, and seeking meaning. I identify with these characters. That's why they come to mind time and again.

Chris McCandless escaped his confusing family situation in the throes of adolescence. He subscribed to ideals that led him farther from those who loved him ... into the wild.

Sometimes I feel like he and Jack London are right. Nobility, meaning can be found in nature. But Chris is dead and London was an drunk who didn't live his out own ideals, except for a brief time.

Where do I go now? Who will my next protagonist be?

Looking back at that writing now, almost three years later, I realized I have changed in some ways. I've found at least some purpose and meaning in life. But I still have that wanderlust - a desire to see the world, experience it in new ways. And right now, if I had to pick a new protagonist it would probably be a saint.